is it ok to write entries simply to fill up space? because that's what i'm doing. i love the illuminateme diary, but what pisses me off is that it's so hard to read, click the link and you'll see what i mean.

i think last nite i pissed tim off a bit more than i intended to (as if i intended to?) and i feel bad...not really feel bad, as i won't apologize, but i regret saying the things i said, when i said them, how i said them...i've been very emotional, very sensitive lately, that time of the month? perhaps, but i've been a bit cranky, like some overgrown toddler who needs a nap 24/7. i started crying during my french lesson today because i was tired and frustrated with my grandmother picking apart my pronunciation like some grammatically obsessed madwoman, it was terrible, and what's more is, i felt so childish, sitting there crying because "i needed a nap" says i. i don't know what's wrong with me, and my hair keeps getting in my face because it's too short to be pushed haphazardly behind my ears. and sometimes it hits my nose and makes it itchy, and i can't scratch and type at the same time.

i'm rambling, i know, but this is my diary, and i can do that. more people join my rings, and stuff...it astonishes me? i'm kinda like, "dude, not even i would join those," but then i realize that i created them. i wish more people would e-mail me with comments (is that a plea? yes.) it makes me feel like writing this is worth it...i mean yes, it's for me, but it's for you guys too...i dedicate a lot of my time to this, and sometimes i don't know why. i even considered locking it up. hmm...back to the boyfriend-tim scenario. i think i took a lot of things the wrong way...and i think he's confused...well, as it was explained to me (and as i interpreted it) the problem being that it's difficult for him to be loyal to me, well, not difficult, but sometimes he wants to...and there are girls around who aren't hideously ugly, and that i understand, i can't deny that if i'm hanging out with a bunch of guys i might want to do something with one of them, i can't say the thought has never crossed my mind. and sometimes i think i'm too young for this, that i have so much more life to live and this relationship might not even matter. but i think it matters...and all these guys tell him that, "she'll never find out," which is true...he lives so far away, and i don't really know a lot of the people in that town, and frankly, if ben found out and told me, i wouldn't believe him because that's what he said before, and it wasn't true. i wish i could always be around and he wouldn't have to feel lonely, but i can't...it's nearly impossible. 'cos yer my man and i'm yer gal and i'm so glad that we are pals, we're in love it's great, see you again can't wait, there's so much to do, i'd travel 'round the world, you're such a pretty girl, so much to do...and so the aquabats lead me on, and i don't give up, i suppose. oh well, whatever, you and me and that red sweater. i want a red sweater with an alligator. someone send me a red sweater with an alligator in the mail. i have mail now? apparently someone signed my guestbook. aww yeah. i guess. i feel sick right now. like blood and orange juice.

before and after