"you said the daylight burned you, that the sunrise nearly killed you...i said 'maybe you're a vampire?' you said, 'quite possible, i feel truly dead inside.' "

and if that doesn't sum up everything i've been feeling for the past year, then i must be quite...indescribable.

today some friends and i wrote down a list of everything we'd want in a guy, we're up to 63 or some (but more with the numerous additions to questions) ie: "do you like cheese?" - if so, what kind? - have you ever made cheese?

if you get below a 90 i consider that failing, and good enough reason to tell everyone you failed and you'll never get laid.

i think i'm too picky, i bet miguel agrees. in fact i bet most guys agree. in fact, i think i agree.

someone wrote me a guest entry today, and a previous one from muriel.

if you wrote "eyes" tell me...please? guest entries come in twos, i swear. this is prolly the most unsexy thing you've seen all day, but check it out 'cos it's funny. i designed it, none of the links work because i just wanted to see how a link would look on there.

i think maybe my eyes are closed, because i think my good friend kiwi said that when you're depressed it doesn't matter what happens, your mindset is very narrow.

but then again, i don't think i've done anything to be proud of, no one can say their life is better because they know me. and i doubt people would miss me. i wanted to die the other night, i couldn't though. i know aspirin doesn't work and only gets you hospitalized, and there was nothing sharp enough to slit my wrists with. so i just sat and cried for 3 hours.

i asked kiwi if maybe i got hospitalized for taking a bunch of aspirin people would come see me? and maybe realize that i'm not expendable? she says no, because people don't care, it happens at night, and your mom tells you to tell everyone you were out because you were sick. nothing gained. except some charcoal and sicky poohs.

miguel says i'm funny though and interesting to talk to, so does kiwi. she says it might come in handy for college essays. maybe if i live past 20 i will have a nice practice and i will be a social worker like i wanna be and help unhappy little kids. because that's just what i am. and nothing would make me smile like the knowledge that i helped someone. then maybe i wouldn't be such a failure. or so damn useless. kiwi says maybe i could do volunteer work and maybe feel like i was doing something. perhaps this is true.

because i feel so empty, so devoid of human emotion. tim told me he loved me, i didn't feel anything. at all...no resentment. i love him though...it might have only been that moment? i don't want to stop loving. because humans are dead without love. i mean, they have brain activity, respiratory function, etc. but they're not living.

closing to: "bumbro"

an idea: from now on every time i'm happy for even the slightest moment, i'll write it down, circle that date in my calender, then make a list. of everything that makes me happy. then i'll look for some sort of pattern. so i can know why i'm so empty, and so unhappy all the time.

note : yes, i'm bi, no i don't hit on my girl friends, no i'm not in for a threesome, leave me the shit alone and put your hands down your own fucking pants.

another note: no, you're not fat, and no, you're not stupid, and no i don't like you.

before and after